Here is a fact about dating in New York: If you do enough dating of people, there will inevitably be a lot of dumping of people. Sometimes it’s you, sometimes it’s them—it’s sort of just the hazards, given that, in timeless wisdom of Dan Savage, “Every relationship fails until one doesn’t.”
Of course, “relationship” could mean anything here.
Anyway, sometimes when people get dumped, they feel sad. For me, this is rarely the case. Whenever anyone dumps me, I mostly just feel indignant.
To clarify: the fact of being dumped is fine—I had probably already thought of at least seven reasons it wouldn’t work. Example given:
- "he describes his own personality. dude: I can see your personality. you’re right here at dinner with me.”
- "he puts srirachi sauce on everything. dude: now everything you eat just tastes like srirachi sauce, so what is the fucking point.”
- "he smokes too much. dude: i got a face to preserve, here."
- "he doesn’t smoke enough. dude: who do you think you are, anyway?”
- "he’s a musician"
- "he’s a vegetarian"
- "he has a girlfriend"
- "he’s an idiot"
Okay, so probably eight things.
Anyway, despite being totally at peace with the dumping, I am often appalled by the way in which I have been dumped. Examples given:
- You’re just going to NOT CALL? Jesus! Who raised you?! Time is money! Idiot.
- Or: NO I don’t want to be friends, I’m already completely overwhelmed with things to do for people who are a) paying me or b) didn’t just DUMP me. Idiot.
But when pressed to say how I would rather have been dumped, I’m always at a loss. “Oh, uh, I dunno,” I mutter, and then I try to make up something that sounds morally righteous, but still attainable enough that I can achieve it when i inevitably dump someone, days later.
But as of yesterday, I have an answer to that question. It’s succinct. It’s final. And it speaks to what’s really at stake here.
Yes, I am proud to report that I know exactly how I want to be dumped and it goes like this:
"You’re pretty, but this isn’t going to work."
Man, you say that to me and we will, by God, be friends.